Low Self

The ego's highest moments, in the feeling of being invincible and uncritical of ones own behavior, are equally possible in the lowest moments of ones life as their highest. If not more so.

Moments of highness are moments of otherness, in which an immediate sense of self is forgotten in the absorbing experience of something outside ones self. Of being swept up or taken into an emotion.

Moments of lowness are marked by an overbearing self-centered awareness of the world as it is. The experiencing of pain is the experience of ones self, or of another as if they are ones self. Pain in all forms is to made starkly aware of ones body or ones self.

People of ego are often never spared a moment without some pain that draws them inward. Too much time inward breeds delusion, a loss of any frame of reference on which acts are oriented, acts that are extreme and ignore what surrounds us.

These moments of ego are a source of shame. They are a stain. both because they are forced upon us by desperate circumstances, but also because they perpetuate and deepen them.

In towards ones self is something of great gravity, and I desire nothing more than to be forgiven of these spiraling, inward collapses that have resulted in my most disastrous and public acts.

I comfort myself with this lie: These moments were imposed on me, by something outside myself.